Second Chances
by chuckchuckchuck
Summary: Janeway and chakotay main character story, New Earth and aftermath. Will their Love make it through?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own characters ect. just this plot :)**

**Chapter One**

Chakotay sat under an enormous old tree in the middle of a vast meadow on New Earth. This old tree was a welcomed canopy insulating Chakotay from the intense sunlight and heat of the mid-afternoon sun. Silently reclining at the base of the tree, Chakotay remained motionless as he took in his surroundings. The sounds of nature could be heard over the light, but steady sound, of rustling leaves blowing in the breeze. Chakotay's attention was drawn to his left as he observed two small bushy-tailed creatures playing together. Chasing each other around the many rocks and small shrubs scattered about the lush green meadow. This scene was all too familiar to Chakotay. He often came to this very tree in this very meadow so he could meditate, relax and contemplate the day's events. Today was no different. Chakotay was in a serious need of meditation, time to think about this particular day's events. This day was a day that was going to change his life forever.

The sound of buzzing insects filled Chakotay's mind as he leaned his head back against the tree and closed his eyes. He remained motionless as time passed. Historically, meditation came easily to Chakotay. His father had taught him from a young age how to relax his body and mind. His father showed him exactly how to open up his heart, and allow his spirit guide to lead him toward the answers that his consciousness often desperately sought. Oh, there were days aboard Voyager when Chakotay had extreme difficulty letting go of his conscious mind. Unable to relax and clear his consciousness long enough to walk with his spirit guide through the forest of his thoughts where answers came and decisions were made. However, from the day he and Kathryn set foot on New Earth he felt calmness, a feeling of home and oneness not only with the planet and its creatures but also with the one other person sharing this vast and beautiful planet with him. He has meditated here at this vary spot everyday since arriving on New Earth, and he hoped today would be much the same. Chakotay came here to seek answers, answers to the questions running ramped through his mind, threatening to destroy his inner calm. He would soon be disappointed.

Three hours earlier he and Kathryn were happily planting vegetables in their make-shift garden when the transmitter inside their shelter came to life. Chakotay and Kathryn rushed into the shelter as they were quickly informed by Tuvok that Voyager was returning for them. They had a heart-wrenchingly short period of time to gather up their belongings and say goodbye to their home of the past few months. Chakotay should have been excited! He and the woman he loved were going to be SAVED! They were going to be taken back aboard their ship, the vessel responsible for taking them home and returning them to Starfleet and all the protocols that are contained within. Chakotay could not help but wonder at what price his freedom was going to come.

Chakotay turned to face Kathryn. The two of them stood silently facing each other, their eyes searching for a sign, anything to indicate what the other was thinking. Unable to speak, think or even behave rationally, Chakotay excused himself and went in search of his meditation spot. As his walk turned into a run his mind and heart began to break. He ran through low hanging branches of trees, dodging thorny weeds found sprinkled in among the high grasses, desperately trying to get to the meadow he knew would bring him peace. Just as his emotions were becoming too great, threatening to explode like a volcanic eruption, he cleared the tall grass and entered the meadow. He spotted the tree and immediately set off in its direction.

An undetermined amount of time had passed since his meditation began. Chakotay had hoped that when his eyes opened and his head cleared, he would have answers. Unfortunately when his eyes opened and his head cleared he was filled with a deep painful emptiness of which he has never before felt. He wondered if while he was meditating, someone had literally opened him up and removed his heart and soul.

Chakotay sat there under his favorite, familiar tree only to feel as if he no longer belonged there. He no longer felt at one with this planet and his surroundings as if they had betrayed him. He looked around at the alien world laid out before him; all feelings of content and familiarity were gone. He knew the life he worked so hard to build here on New Earth was going to be for nothing. He knew his life was going to change, but what he didn't know for sure was if these changes were going to be for good or bad. Were these changes going to ruin his life or merely send him in a different direction? Was any part of what made him happy here going to remain? What about his Kathryn? She was just beginning to open up to him, allowing him into her heart. Allowing him into the one, place he truly felt he belonged. The one place he longed to be forever and always. Could he survive if her attitude changed towards him, if he was no longer allowed access to her heart? Would he want to survive if what they had here on New Earth came to an end?

With a heavy heart, Chakotay stood up and scanned the horizon. He knew this was going to be the very last time he would see the meadow laid out before him. Chakotay surprised himself as a painful laugh escaped his lips; he came to realize he no longer cared about this place. It was no longer his home and would forever be tainted with the memories of the last few hours. Lowering his head, Chakotay took one final deep breath, allowing his body to release its pent up tension and resume his inner calm…or at least the outward appearance of calm. Chakotay set off in a slow, yet determined, walk back to base-camp where he knew Kathryn was finishing the packing in preparation for Voyager's arrival.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer : still own nothin.**

**Chapter Two**

Kathryn couldn't remember a time when she had been happier. Kneeling in her garden, elbow deep in young supple plantings that would soon grow up and feed her and Chakotay, while casually discussing dinner plans with her best friend. She knew he was going to be the one cooking tonight. As much as she loved the idea of cooking for the two of them, she realized that if they were both to survive this new adventure they were calling life, she could ill afford to have food poisoning on a daily basis. They had both agreed to use the replicators sparingly and since they had an abundance of fresh produce, she agreed to allow Chakotay to take the lead with cooking. She couldn't complain. He was a fantastic cook. In fact, she often thought to herself that maybe he should have been the one assisting Neelix with food preparation aboard Voyager. He could have taught Neelix a few things in the kitchen.

Kathryn smiled and brushed a loose lock of hair back away from her face. That was the past and she knew she shouldn't keep thinking about her old friends so much. She loved each and every one of her crew and thought of them as family, but they were light years away now and she and Chakotay were on their own. She looked up at Chakotay as he stood, hands on his hips, staring at the row of vegetables he just finished weeding. He looked stronger, happier and more content then she had ever seen him aboard Voyager. Maybe it was this planet. Maybe it was the fact he was returning to the roots of his people. Maybe it was something else…something more personal. He often told her stories of how his people provided for themselves by using the land in which they lived to plant what they needed for food as well as for shelter. He told her stories of survival and stories of heart ache among his people. But the story she will never forget was the story of a young warrior who was forever changed by a woman he loved. She knew Chakotay was referring to himself as the young warrior and she was the woman he loved. Love, however, was a strong word. Sure, he had love FOR her; he often took the time to put her needs before his own. He picked and gave her wild flowers from the meadow, made her a bathtub he knew she would enjoy. But did he actually LOVE her? That was an uncertainty that she wanted clarified. She wanted answers and she wanted to be able to let go of her past life in Starfleet but she knew she couldn't do it alone. She needed his strength, his courage and his love. Blushing, she looked back down at the ground in an attempt to hide her rising emotions. Why had she not responded to him after the story he told? She could simply have told him how she agreed with his sentiment and wanted to explore a relationship between the two of them. It would have been much simpler that way; she could have already had the answers she needed rather then having to dwell on them now. However, all she did was take his hand in hers, stood up and walked away to her sleeping compartment. She left him sitting at the dinner table. She hoped he was not regretting what he told her because she would never regret hearing it. What she did regret was not telling him how much he meant to her. Mentally chastising herself, she set her jaw and made up her mind that tonight was going to be the night. Tonight she was going to sit Chakotay down and tell him a story of her own. This story would free Chakotay to pursue her, if he still wanted to, and help to move their relationship in a positive direction.

_Beep Beep! Beep Beep! _What was that sound? It was coming from inside the shelter. Her head snapped up as she realized it was the communicator they had used to keep in contact with Voyager. There had not been a sound originating from that box since Voyager left communication range. Who or what could be trying to communicate with them? How would someone know the Starfleet frequency they were using? She slowly turned to look at Chakotay who was looking back in the direction of the shelter. He had a haunted look to him. A far cry from the strong and contented look he portrayed merely minutes prior to the beeping sounds.

Chakotay stretched out his hand to Kathryn, helping her to stand. Silently the two of them walked to the shelter and over to the communicator. They were soon informed that Voyager had discovered a cure for their illness that had imprisoned them on New Earth and they would have a short period of time to gather their belongings and return to the ship. Kathryn and Chakotay stood in the shelter in silence. They were facing each other, searching each other's faces for answers. Kathryn's heart was pounding in her ears. She could feel the blood draining from her face and hands as a cold wave of distress washed over her. She was unsure how long they stood there looking into each other's eyes, when Chakotay cleared his throat and attempted to excuse himself. His voice betraying the emotions he was desperately trying to control. Chakotay simply walked away leaving Kathryn standing there alone watching him leave. Would he return to her? Of course he would return, he needed to pack, but would he return to her as her best friend and confidant. Would their relationship change? It had to! Things were bound to change! But how would things change? What was she going to allow and what was she going to forbid? She was the captain of a Starfleet vessel. She had rules and regulations that governed her professional and personal life. She had to set an example to the rest of the crew. She needed to think and think fast. She had a few short hours to not only pack up her life here on New Earth but also to set parameters that she and Chakotay would have to live by once they return to Voyager. She needed to talk with Chakotay. This was not a decision she could make on her own. He was every bit a part of this scenario as she. He had needs much like she did. But what would happen if they couldn't agree? What if he wanted something she was unable…or unwilling to give? This decision was going to have to be made quickly and it was going to have to be final. There was no room for discussion. She would 'discuss' it with him, but she already knew what she had to do, and she knew how this would affect Chakotay. She hoped she would be able to find the strength not only to voice this decision to Chakotay, but also live with the consequences herself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

During the emotionally charged walk back to the shelter, Chakotay had some time to think about what he was going to do and what he wanted to say to Kathryn; No, what he desperately NEEDED to say to Kathryn so she could truly understand how he felt about her. He knew deep down inside himself, at the most basic level, that if only she could feel what he felt and know how much he was willing to give up to forever be with her, she would surely and willingly spend the rest of her life with him.

As he emerged from the tree-line, full of hope and certainty, his attention was drawn to his left where he found Kathryn sitting peacefully on a wooden bench he had built just a few short weeks ago. He stood still, motionless, willing his breathing to slow…wanting his heart to stop. He watched as Kathryn sat looking out into the forest that surrounded their meager shelter. She appeared to be lost in thought. She was so beautiful to Chakotay; the perfect combination of grace and refined femininity all the while fiercely protective with a headstrong will that could never be broken. The latter was what concerned Chakotay. Had she already made up her mind? Should he have stayed with her rather then running off into the meadow to meditate? All sense of hope and certainty melted from his heart, mind and soul like an ice cream cone on a hot summer's day, Chakotay's peace of mind was quickly disappearing.

He thought about turning around and heading back into the forest; maybe he should meditate again. Maybe there was something else his spirit guide wanted to tell him. Just as he was about to turn around to leave Kathryn's head turned toward him. Her eyes settled on him like two burning coals, her previously calm and tranquil expression replaced by the hardened look of a Starfleet captain. Chakotay's heart began to beat; it began to slam in his chest threatening to break his ribs. He felt as if he couldn't breathe, yet he could hear air rushing in and out of his lungs at a near frantic pace.

Chakotay closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and took a step forward into the clearing around the shelter. Upon opening his eyes he saw Kathryn slowly walking toward him. The two friends crossed the space between them in a matter of seconds, much too fast for Chakotay as he couldn't remember what he wanted to tell her. When they reached each other Kathryn extended both hands to Chakotay. He took both of her hands into his as they smiled into each other's eyes.

Kathryn couldn't get over how much she cared for Chakotay. He had been her best and most trusted friend, nearly since the first time they met aboard Voyager. As she looked into his face now, she saw the same man she originally met on the bridge of her ship. He had the same intensely charming expression with his dimpled cheeks and disarming smile. She always found this to be a comfort to her, albeit infuriating when she was having a bad day or had not had her morning coffee. No matter how upset she was with him or anyone else, if he put on his charm she was unable to remain irritated. However, she also noticed something else in his expression she had not seen in quite some time. He had a haunted, almost defeated look in his eyes. What was troubling him? Did he truly love this planet so much that he was upset about returning to Voyager? Surely he knew she would always cherish their time they shared here on New Earth. She would always have a special bond with him, one that no one could break. She began to think about all the wonderful things that Chakotay had done for her. How he made a bath tub for her with his own two hands so she could feel the comforts of home, in their new home, to help her adjust more easily. She thought about his story of the young warrior dedicated to the woman who helped him to change into a better person. Maybe he regrets what he said to her. Maybe he only said those things because there wasn't anyone else to choose from on New Earth. Now that they were returning to the ship, maybe he wanted to be free to pursue other interests which didn't include her. It's not like he declared his undying LOVE for her! Kathryn actually started to feel a calmness settle over her. Maybe this conversation they needed to have would go better then she had hoped. Maybe he wanted to say the same things to her, she did to him. That settled it! They would have dinner together, one last time here on New Earth and they could have an honest and open discussion about what has changed and what has not, now that they would be returning to Voyager.

"Hello, Chakotay! Where did you run off to?" Kathryn said still smiling and holding Chakotay's hands.

"I went to have one last visit with an old friend." He responded pointing in the direction of the large old tree in the meadow.

"Ah. Well, how about one last dinner here on New Earth with this old friend?" She pointed to herself. Kathryn had this sudden irrational hope that Chakotay would make a comment about her not looking a day more then 25 years old. Chakotay took a moment to respond. He continued to look straight into Kathryn's face as if he was trying to read her mind. Apparently, either giving up or deciding it didn't matter what she was thinking, he said with a reserved grin and breaking off eye contact:

"I would love to. How about something out of the garden we've been slaving over for weeks? We should at least eat some of it too before we leave." With that the two turned toward the shelter to begin preparing their final meal on New Earth.

When they reached the entrance to the shelter Chakotay paused, not turning to look at Kathryn he said:

"Kathryn…there is something important I want to tell you. I think…" Chakotay paused mid-sentence unable or possibly unwilling to continue.

"What is it, Chakotay?" Kathryn interjected, uncomfortable with the silence between them. The tension was on the rise and Kathryn didn't enjoy the feeling.

"It's…it's nothing really…well I guess…well I think maybe you should be the one to pick what you want from the garden and let me do the cooking." It was obvious Chakotay had something else on his mind but Kathryn played along with his lame attempt at hiding it.

"You know, Chakotay; I think that's the best idea you've had today!" Kathryn responded, and then slapped him on the shoulder in an attempt to appear unphased and unaware of his clear attempt at hiding his true intentions. Kathryn quickly went in search of the ripest and tastiest vegetable she could find in the garden. Plus, if she was the one picking dinner rather then cooking it, she was all for it!

Twenty minutes later Kathryn walked back into the shelter carrying a basket overflowing with a variety of freshly picked fruits and vegetables. Seconds after entering the shelter, her eyes adjusted to the change in lighting and she noticed Chakotay in the kitchen. She had expected to find him standing at the sink washing dishes or organizing spices. Something…anything but what she saw him doing. There he sat at the kitchen table, head in his hands and what appeared to be a sheet of old fashioned paper and pen sitting on the table in front of him. Not sure what to do or how to react, Kathryn stepped back outside and waited. She actually counted to one hundred and started back inside. Just before entering the shelter, Janeway bumped into the doorframe and made a considerable amount of noise so as not to enter unnoticed. Upon entering, her gaze immediately settled upon the table Chakotay had been seated at moments before, only to find it was unoccupied. The paper and pen were also no where to be seen. Kathryn walked over to the table and laid the heavy basket down and began to take the vegetables out to be washed. From behind her, she heard the sounds of Chakotay digging through cabinets in search of the perfect pots and pans to use for tonight's dinner.

"Chakotay, did you want to take all these vegetables out here on the table, or do you want me to bring the whole basket to you?" Kathryn said, completing the sentence before turning to face Chakotay.

"You can just bring me the entire basket." Chakotay responded without looking in her direction.

Kathryn picked up the basket and brought it to the kitchen. "Would you like some help? I can make a mean spinach salad!" Her attempt at levity felt awkward, forced and tasted bitter as it left her mouth.

Chakotay was now standing directly in front of her. She could literally feel the warmth emanating from him. Kathryn tilted her face up and looked directly into his eyes. She was shocked at his expression. She felt as if someone had knocked her in the stomach as she took in his face. His eyes were bloodshot and the surrounding areas were red and swollen. He appeared as if he had been crying or was about to cry.

"Are you alright, Chakotay? You look upset…what's going on? Talk to me, Chakotay…you know you can tell me anything!" Kathryn wanted to plead with him to open up and tell her what was bothering him. But she also knew, much like herself, he could be a private person and she didn't want to push too hard and risk him closing off even further.

"Nothing. I'm fine, really. Why don't you go and get cleaned up for dinner and I'll start cooking." He smiled in her direction but Kathryn was quick to notice he didn't make eye contact.

"Well, if you need anything, just let me know." And with that she went into her private sleeping area and began to clean up for dinner. In the mean time Chakotay continued to prepare a vegetarian feast. He was determined to make this a meal…an evening to remember. He only hoped that it would be fond memories and not heart breaking ones he would relive everyday aboard Voyager and possibly everyday for the rest of his life.

After what seemed like an eternity, Kathryn heard Chakotay call to her from the kitchen. She was pleased to hear that he used his normally calm soothing voice she had grown accustomed to while on New Earth. She thought back to the time the two of them experienced the violent plasma storm on this planet. She had been so frightened. The storm had uprooted trees, destroyed the research she had been working on for weeks and nearly cost her, her own life. In fact, it probably would have killed her had Chakotay not grabbed her and pulled her under a sturdy metal table that shielded them from their collapsing shelter. He held onto her unbelievably tight. Looking back on it she realized now he not only held her, shielding her with his own body, but was keeping her safe under the table rather then allowing her to run out like a fool to save her experiments. He knew her so well; he was able to save her from herself. He kept her calm that night by talking to her. He just kept reassuring her, telling her everything would be alright as long as they were both safe and had each other. They would survive another day together and nothing could conquer them while they worked together as one. Kathryn realized she was standing in her sleeping compartment and never responded to Chakotay's call. Her vision refocused and she could see Chakotay standing in the kitchen area as she looked through the translucent door separating the two living areas. He was standing facing her closed door…Again he called out to her:

"Kathryn? The food is ready. Are you going to eat?" He sounded a bit less assured; a little concern had crept into the tone of his voice. With that Kathryn opened the door and took a step out into the common area. At first Chakotay had a relieved expression on his face. He had obviously been concerned as to why Kathryn had taken such a long time to come out of her room. Then something changed. As he took in the sight of Kathryn standing there before him wearing a beautifully handmade dress she had completed only the day before and her hair left down around her shoulders, his face flushed red and his stare intensified. Neither said a word. They looked at each other in silence observing the other as if to whoever spoke first, would be the one that ended this moment. It was obvious that neither wanted that to happen.

Kathryn broke first. Looking away she cleared her throat and somehow managed to say:

"So, you said dinner was ready?" Looking past Chakotay she added:

"Oh that looks fantastic, Chakotay! You have really outdone yourself tonight!" Genuinely pleased with the food she saw piled up in the kitchen.

Again, silence filled the room like a muffling snowfall; both could again hear their own quickening heart beats and rapid intake of breath. Kathryn again looked toward Chakotay: "Chakotay?"

With that, she watched as Chakotay slightly shook his head and blinked rapidly in what appeared to be self admonishment. He rushed back into the kitchen and began to bring out the food.

"Go ahead and have a seat, Kathryn. You are going to LOVE this meal!" Chakotay said with his usual enthusiasm.

Kathryn made her way over to the table and smiled deeply as she watched Chakotay bring dish after dish of homemade vegetarian cuisine.

"How are we going to eat all this food before we leave? We only have a few hours." Kathryn was still smiling and enjoying the view. That's when she noticed Chakotay paused momentarily as if contemplating what she had just said.

"I guess we could just tell voyager we don't want to go back to the ship. We would prefer to stay here planet side and enjoy our lives we created. Here, together, just the two of us!" Chakotay replied with all seriousness.

Smiling and continuing to bring levity to the room, Kathryn replied:

"Oh yeah right!" Rolling her eyes feigning exasperation she continued, "Some how I think Tuvok would not agree with that idea. He already disobeyed my direct order coming back for us. Nothing will stop him from beaming us aboard and leaving at warp 9!" Again Kathryn started to laugh softly until she noticed she was the only one who found humor in what she said. _Oh no, Chakotay was being serious! Here I am making light of what he said_. She thought to herself.

Suddenly, Kathryn didn't feel hungry anymore. In fact, the thought of eating made the lunch she ate 5 hours earlier rise to her throat. She realized now, tonight's dinner was not going to go as planned. It was going to be very difficult indeed. She hoped that she and Chakotay would survive the next few hours both physically and emotionally.

"Chakotay, I think we need to have our discussion now." Kathryn stated flatly.

"I think you're right, Kathryn, there is a lot I really need to say to you. I don't think I can wait much longer. It's driving me crazy not telling you." The last sentence said just above a whisper. He was desperate to discuss their plans for after their return to Voyager.

"Alright then, would you like to start or shall I?" Janeway motioned to Chakotay to take a seat across from her at the table.

"You go first!" They both blurted out simultaneously followed by an awkward silence between the two of them! Chakotay finally broke the silence:

"Kathryn, I've been doing a lot of thinking." Pausing momentarily to gather together mentally what he wanted to say next. "When we first came to New Earth, we arrived as Captain and first officer. Sure, we were friends but our titles and responsibilities aboard ship took precedence in our lives…" Again Chakotay paused as Kathryn smiled silently with a slight nod of her head. "Over time…as we spent more time here getting to know each other better…we um…became, well, closer. We became friends first and titles second. Our responsibility was to each other." Chakotay paused again.

Kathryn could tell he was having a very difficult time saying what he wanted. She was also tempted to come to his aid by interrupting with her own thoughts and opinions. But what exactly were those opinions? She came into this dinner knowing full well what she wanted, what she needed to say. She knew she needed things to go back to the way they were aboard Voyager. She needed the structured hierarchy Starfleet implemented hundreds of years in the past. She needed this so she could remain focused on getting her crew home. She owed that to each and every one of her crew, her undivided effort to get them home. Her own feelings and needs needed to come second! Yet, she had feelings and wants of her own and she was having a difficult time suppressing them. These began to emerge weeks ago on this planet when she had no hope of ever leaving it. But now, now she knew she HAD to leave, but turning off these reawakened emotions was proving nearly impossible. She hoped against hope that Chakotay would understand, or even better, agree with her logical decisions. However, there was a part of her that longed for him to fight her on this decision, fight her and persuade her to change her mind.

Chakotay cleared his throat and began again: "I never thought Voyager was going to return to us and we were going to spend the remainder of our lives here on New Earth. Just the two of us."

"Chakotay…" Kathryn began and reached her hand across the table to find his.

"No, please, Kathryn, let me finish. I need to tell you what's on my mind." With that Kathryn withdrew her hand and remained quiet. "I know our relationship has…well…evolved during our time together. Now that we are going back to Voyager it will change again."

_Here it comes_, Kathryn began thinking to herself, _he is going to tell me that we had a great time here together but now we need to go back to how things were on board Voyager. I hoped he would have given me more trouble about putting our relationship on hold but apparently he is ready for a break. It's not like we really had a relationship anyway. I'm not going to sit here and let him make all the decisions. It's obvious we are on the same page so let me take control…as the captain, I'm the one in charge anyway._

"You are absolutely right Chakotay!" Janeway interrupted.

"I am? But I haven't really said anything yet! I haven't really told you what's been on my mind." Chakotay blurted out obviously flustered. _What is she doing, thought Chakotay, why is she saying this? Look at her, she is no longer Kathryn, she's Captain Janeway! I guess her mind has already been made up and I doubt I'll be able to change it._ Chakotay began to resign himself to what appeared to be the inevitable.

"Chakotay, things have to change! We are being picked up by Voyager in a matter of a few hours. We will be expected to be Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay from the minute we set foot on that ship. Our relationship here on New Earth was…wonderful." Janeway again reached across the table and grabbed Chakotay's hand. This time however, he didn't pull away, as all fight was rapidly bleeding away from him.

She continued: "We need to be focused on our mission. The one we promised each and every member of OUR crew! We promised that we will get them home and keep them safe! We need to give up our own wants and needs for the betterment of our crew…our FAMILY!" The words just flowed out of Janeway's mouth as if her tongue had its own mind, acting separately from the one place she always seemed to have to ignore, her heart.

Looking across the table Kathryn watched as Chakotay processed all of what she said. He sat there with his hand in hers. Then, with a bitter smile, his eyes dimmed and his hand went limp. He came to stand along side where Kathryn sat looking up at him, and without looking at her simply said:

"Yes. Captain." He then walked away into his sleeping compartment and closed the door softly behind him.

A few hours passed as Kathryn continued to gather her belongings together in preparation of boarding Voyager. Tuvok had hailed them twenty minutes ago and said that Voyager would be in transporter range within the hour. Chakotay had not reemerged from his sleeping compartment; however Kathryn could hear him packing up his belongings and preparing to leave New Earth forever.

Kathryn had completed her packing and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for Voyager. As she waited she couldn't help but replay the events that happened during dinner. This reminded her that she had not eaten a single bite of food, but was not surprised she felt not the least big hungry, considering the emotions coursing through her body. Leaving New Earth was going to be way more difficult then she ever imagined it could be. Kathryn thought back to when she first came in from the garden before dinner today. What was the white piece of paper sitting in front of Chakotay? Why was he so upset? Why did he react to her the way he did during dinner? He walked away and secluded himself in his room. He was about to tell her he wanted to return back to their previous relationship wasn't he? He should have been relieved she was on the same page with him, in total agreement. Kathryn thought to herself: _Maybe I should try one last time to talk with Chakotay before Voyager gets here. _That's when her communicator beeped to life: Voyager to Captain Janeway.

Kathryn sighed, tapped her comm badge and responded to the hail, "This is the Captain, go ahead Voyager."

Tuvok then informed Kathryn that Voyager was in orbit around New Earth and to prepare to beam aboard. They would be beamed directly to sickbay so the doctor could inoculate them; thus curing them of the disease that imprisoned them on New Earth in the first place. Tuvok then reminded her that Voyager was on a different time then they were on the planet. It was 1800 hours on New Earth; however it actually was 2300 hours aboard Voyager. By the time they are seen by the doctor it will be midnight and Tuvok thought it would be most logical to have the command team get some rest and fully acclimate to Voyager-time before starting their next duty shift. Janeway agreed and said she would inform commander Chakotay.

"One last thing, Tuvok." Janeway said before signing off.

"Yes, Captain?" Tuvok responded in his usual intonationless manner.

"Give Commander Chakotay and me 5 minutes before you beam us back aboard Voyager." Kathryn wanted one last chance to talk with her friend.

"As you wish, Captain, prepare to beam aboard in 5 minutes." Tuvok then cut transmission, no doubt already having set a timer to beam them back aboard Voyager in precisely five minutes.

Kathryn walked over to Chakotay's room and raised her hand to knock. Just as she drew her hand back to tap the translucent door, Chakotay opened it and stepped out into the living area.

"I heard, Captain, they will be transporting us in 5 minutes," Chakotay looked at his watch, "No make that 4 ½ minutes." He corrected himself without any of his usual humor.

"Chakotay, I wanted to know if there was anything you wanted to say to me before we go back aboard Voyager. Anything that maybe you didn't get to say because I, well, interrupted you while you were talking. I tend to…"

"Yes you do tend to interrupt at the worst times…Captain." Chakotay said with a hint of a forced grin. "But no, I no longer have anything that needs to be said. I believe you said it all for the two of us." A hint of bitterness was evident in Chakotay's tone.

Kathryn was not going to beg him to say something he didn't want to say…whatever it may have been. She figured that if he ever wanted to come to her at another time he would hopefully know she was there to listen this time.

With that Chakotay and Kathryn walked outside their shelter with the belongings they were taking with them and waited to be beamed aboard Voyager. For 3 long minutes they stood side by side in awkward emotionally charged silence until they both felt the familiar release of tension as their atoms were decompiled and transferred to the ship. Once aboard, they were recompiled as if being reborn into their previous lives as Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Titles first, friends second.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Janeway and Chakotay were, as expected, transported directly to sickbay. The doctor completed his scans, tests and treatments with the efficiency everyone aboard Voyager came to expect. While the two of them waited around for the doctor to release them to their quarters for some much needed rest, members of the crew visited. Many of the crew expressed their happiness to have their captain and first officer back. Generally, everyone greeted them with a smile or a hug; some brought presents or promises to catch up with each other when time permitted. The visits were a much needed diversion from medical tests, the waiting around for results and the ever present tension in the room between Kathryn and Chakotay. An hour passed before the doctor finally declared them healthy and ready to go get some sleep.

"Captain, Commander," the doctor stood directly in front of them as they sat at the foot of their bio-beds, "you are cleared to return to your quarters for some rest. By no means am I allowing you two to return to active duty until you have had time to re-acclimate to Voyager. If at any time you begin to feel ill or you feel any side effects from your treatments, contact me immediately and transport directly to sickbay." The doctor stated with his usual hint of irritation and haughtiness. "Oh, and welcome back…things were definitely not the same here without you." He smiled at the two of them and said, "If there is nothing else?" Neither Kathryn nor Chakotay spoke up so the doctor self-deactivated and disappeared.

"Well, Chakotay, I guess that means we live to see another day." Kathryn said with an exhausted sigh.

"I guess you're right. Would you like some company while you head back to your quarters?" Chakotay asked sounding every bit as exhausted as she knew she looked.

"No, I think I'll be alright. Thank you for the offer, Chakotay, but you should go straight to bed yourself. You look terrible!" Kathryn would have smiled with more enthusiasm had she been able to find some.

With nothing much more to say the two of them headed out of sickbay and into the hallway. The shortest paths to their rooms took them in opposite directions from where they currently stood. Kathryn turned and began slowly walking down the corridor when something tugged at her mind urging her to turn around and look at Chakotay. As she did, she noticed he was standing there where she left him. He was watching her leave.

"Kathryn! It's going to be really hard to sleep tonight." Chakotay called to her after he realized he had been caught watching her.

"Why? Aren't you exhausted?" She asked, not sure where this conversation was going.

"It'll be hard to sleep knowing you aren't in the room next to mine." He then gave a weary smile and turned and left Kathryn to stand there alone in the corridor. All she could do was watch as he walked away; only he didn't turn back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Kathryn continued to stand there in stunned silence. She watched as Chakotay approached his first turn from the corridor they both shared. She hoped and silently pleaded with Chakotay to turn around and look at her before he walked away. _Give me a sign_, she desperately thought to herself. _ I have to know for sure how you feel_. Her emotions were welling up inside her. She felt as if she could hardly breathe. In fact, she found she wasn't breathing at all. Kathryn willed her body to take a breath. As she did, Chakotay stopped at the edge of the corridor he would turn to go to his quarters. _Turn to me! Chakotay please look at me!_ Her mind was racing and again her breaths were ragged; her legs began to betray her. Kathryn wanted to call out to him. She wanted to run down the hall and hold him tight; confess her love for him, no matter how inappropriate her mind told her that would be. Kathryn's heart was screaming at her to act! She closed her eyes in a futile attempt to quell the emotional cascade.

"Chakotay," Kathryn said allowed. Unable to ascertain the volume she used she tried again, "Chakotay!" Yes! This time she knew she said it audibly. There was no response. Realizing her eyes were still closed, Kathryn opened them tentatively. She wanted to see Chakotay, turned in her direction with his arms open wide inviting her to come close. What Kathryn saw however, was an empty corridor. Immediately Kathryn's heart sank. She had no idea if Chakotay had heard her and walked away, or if he had already left before she called out to him. What Kathryn did know, however, was that she was alone, tired and needed some sleep if she was going to return to duty in a few hours.

Kathryn felt as if her body was slowly shutting down, one system at a time. She entertained the idea of asking the computer to transport her back to her room rather then walking under her own power. She wasn't entirely sure she was going to make it. Kathryn smiled to herself as she thought about the Voyager rumor-mill exploding into system overload if she were to be found curled up in the hallway sound asleep in the morning. No, Kathryn could make it. She had been in much more tiring circumstances countless times before, the only difference was that this time Kathryn was without her coffee and she didn't have Chakotay by her side to help her along the way. He has always been there for her when she needed him most. Now Kathryn wasn't so sure he would be there for her ever again. Kathryn feared she may have forever ruined that bond they shared. It was that very fear, Kathryn now felt washing over her that kept her legs moving in the direction of her Captain's quarters.

Chakotay was only a few feet down the hall leading to his room when he thought he heard something. He paused, cocking his head to the side to listen. Chakotay heard nothing of significance and continued to walk down the corridor. Something in his mind however, kept tugging at his subconscious. What was that sound he heard? Maybe it was the Captain calling to him, wanting to get the last word after his comment to her in the hallway outside sickbay. Well, if Kathryn felt it was important enough she knew where to find him, or she could just send him a message. Chakotay entered his quarters.

"Computer, set illumination at 50%" Chakotay said flatly.

"Illumination now at 50%" the computer responded a fraction of a second after it turned on the dimmed lights.

Chakotay noticed an end table in his sitting area. It was piled high with gifts and trinkets from the crew welcoming him back to the ship. The crew's gesture was genuine, and Chakotay was pleased to see he was missed, but it did little to extinguish the hurt he was currently feeling. He made his way into his bedroom. Slowly, Chakotay approached his chest of drawers where he usually kept his night clothes. Chakotay stopped and picked up the single framed picture that sat on top. It was a picture taken nearly six months ago when he and Kathryn were on an away mission together. They had come across one of the most beautiful landscapes either of them could remember seeing. Both had wanted to remember that exact moment forever. Kathryn had asked another member of the away team to take the picture. Chakotay remembered how they stood a few feet away from each other at first, allowing the image of the landscape to appear between them. The ensign who had taken the picture told them to stand together so the picture would look better. Chakotay and Kathryn, awkwardly at first, moved close to one another, standing side by side with shoulders barely touching each other. Just before the picture was taken, Chakotay wrapped his arm around Kathryn's shoulders and they both smiled sincerely.

Now, as he looked at the picture, Chakotay could see in both of their faces the genuine happiness they both felt when being close to one another. Chakotay closed his eyes, only he found that the image of the two of them was still vivid in his mind's eye. That is when the realization struck him like a lightning bolt in a plasma storm! There was a time when a purely working relationship, maybe even a friendship, would have been enough for the two of them to be happy. However, after spending such a long time together on New Earth, he would never be happy going back to their former relationship. He knew deep down in his soul that Kathryn had to feel the same as he did. How could she not? She wasn't an android; she had feelings and needs just like he did. They could pretend to be happy for the crew's sake, but Chakotay knew it would mean lying to every member of the crew, and it meant lying to himself. He was determined to not live his life as a lie. Chakotay was not going to allow some ridiculous Starfleet protocol to ruin his happiness and keep him from the woman he loved. At that very moment, Chakotay made up his mind. He was going to confront Kathryn, and he was going to plead his case. Surely she wasn't that stubborn that she couldn't see the truth! Just in case Kathryn was in a particularly stubborn state of mind, he decided to grab the picture and bring it along; a visual aid never hurt anyone. Chakotay headed toward the door when he abruptly stopped.

"Computer what time is it?" He asked.

"The time is 0130 hours." The computer responded in its usual fashion.

Chakotay found himself at an impasse. Did he rush over to Kathryn's quarters in the middle of the night, waking her up from some much needed rest? Or should he wait until first thing in the morning? Either way he knew he was not going to be getting any sleep this night.

"Computer, locate Captain Kathryn Janeway." Chakotay commanded.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway is in her quarters." The female computer voice answered.

Chakotay decided it would be best to have this conversation in the morning. He planned to attempt a nap for a few hours and then meet Kathryn outside her quarters at 0500 hours. With that settled in his mind, he rushed off into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Kathryn tossed and turned in her bed, unable to fall asleep. The past day's events kept replaying in her mind. Each time she thought about them, her mind wanted to add and take away from what really happened, in a futile attempt at a much happier ending.

"Aargh!" Kathryn groaned. She was driving herself crazy. "Computer what time is it?" Kathryn demanded.

"The time is 0400 hours." Stated the annoyingly calm computer's voice.

_That was only 3 minutes later then the last time I asked_, Kathryn thought to herself. _Either I'm going crazy or this ship is caught in some kind of time loop_. After another agonizing minute passed, Kathryn tore the bed covers off of her, and sat up at the edge of her bed. She leaned forward and put her head in her hands. Kathryn wanted to blame the doctor's treatments on her inability to sleep but knew in her heart that she alone was to blame. Kathryn got up from bed and began getting ready for her duty shift. She replicated some coffee and a blueberry muffin. Normally she didn't eat breakfast, but her time spent on New Earth with Chakotay produced some new habits. He was always looking out for her, making sure Kathryn ate regularly and didn't become so absorbed in her work that she didn't take time each day for herself. The thoughts and memories brought a smile to Kathryn's face.

"What have I done?" Kathryn said allowed. "How can I sit here thinking and feeling one way and act completely contrary to it? For what? For Starfleet?" The bitterness in the words shocked her into silence.

Again, Kathryn began to think about all the promises she made to the crew. She could actually remember the exact moment she promised the entire crew she would get them home. The looks on their faces would always haunt her and she knew it. Could she get them home if she were in a relationship with Chakotay? Would Kathryn's desires to keep him safe jeopardize the crew or the tough decisions that will need to be made in the future? She couldn't think straight. She felt as if she were being torn into two. Kathryn rushed into the bathroom as she felt a wave of nausea wash over her body. She stopped at the bathroom sink to splash some water over her face. After the nausea subsided, she looked up at her reflection in the mirror before her. The reflection staring back at her was someone Kathryn hardly recognized. That woman in the mirror looked confused and frightened; two things Kathryn hated to feel. She needed clarity and courage to get this crew home. Kathryn now realized she needed those same qualities to be able to do what was best, not just for her crew, but also for herself. Kathryn quickly dressed into her duty clothes, ran a comb through her hair before putting it up into a bun and headed for her door. She was not on duty for a few more hours but that was alright with her. Kathryn needed some time to think, she needed to clear her mind. She decided it was as good a time as any to go for a walk.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Kathryn was unaware of the current time. She had no sense of how long she had been walking and really didn't care. Kathryn kept herself busy walking and working her way through her problems and emotions that were taking over her mind. She knew if she gave herself enough time there wasn't anything she couldn't accomplish; there were no problems too great for her to solve. After an undetermined length of time, Kathryn stopped what she was doing. She looked up and found herself standing in the one place on the ship that brought her normally unflappable personality crashing down around her. Kathryn felt that familiar quickening of her pulse, the increased pounding of her heart in her chest and ears made her wonder if anyone else could hear it. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Kathryn used up the last of her strength to raise her hand and push the door chime to Chakotay's quarters. _Tick…tick…tick_…the time kept slipping by, what was keeping Chakotay from answering the door? Second guessing her decision to come here, Kathryn was tempted to leave. She turned around, facing away from the door, and took a step into the hallway. _SWOOSH_! Kathryn heard the door open behind her.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, obviously confused as to why Kathryn was at his door at such a late hour. Kathryn turned to face Chakotay.

"Oh, Chakotay…you look…" Kathryn said while smiling behind her hand.

"Terrible? You know we are supposed to be sleeping and that's what I was trying to do." Chakotay responded also smiling, but apparently tired as he yawned and rubbed his fingers through his hair.

"Chakotay, can I come in? I'd like to talk to you about something important and I would rather not do it out here in the hallway." Kathryn quickly said before losing her nerve.

Chakotay simply looked up at Kathryn for what seemed like an eternity, long enough for Kathryn to wonder if he was going to let her in at all, and for her to question her decision to even come here in the first place. Then without a word, Chakotay backed away from the entry and extended his arm in a dramatic sweeping motion, showing Kathryn in through the door. With a sigh of relief she stepped inside his quarters. The room was dark, illuminated by one lamp next to his sofa and some candles on the desk.

"Would you like some coffee?" Chakotay offered.

"No, I'll be fine. I'm not sure how long I'll be staying anyway. There are a few things I'd like to discuss with you." Kathryn said, unsure as to how exactly she wanted to let him know she was in love with him. Unsure how to continue, Kathryn decided that maybe she should just change the subject for the time being.

"Chakotay, I was thinking we should keep our tradition we established while on New Earth." Kathryn took the easy way out of this difficult situation.

"Oh? And what tradition was that?" Chakotay was intrigued but wary.

"The one where you make me dinner and I come over and eat." Kathryn attempted to sound lighthearted and sincere.

"You came all the way to my quarters in the middle of the night to ask me to cook for you? I find that hard to believe, Captain! Why are you really here?" Chakotay was having difficulty maintaining his cool outer demeanor. "Let me guess?" Chakotay continued, unable to keep the bitter sarcasm out of his tone. "You want me to pretend we are not even friends, so as not to have any rumors start?"

Kathryn was shocked at Chakotay's reaction. This was not the response she had expected. Kathryn felt sad at how badly she had ruined things between herself and Chakotay. She may have pushed him too far and he may never forgive her for how she treated him.

"No, Chakotay! I could never ask you to do that. I would never ask you to lie." She managed to say, and then whispered aloud, "At least I hope it would be a lie." With that, Kathryn looked up at Chakotay who was standing before her; her last words sinking into his heart and mind as he visibly softened before her eyes.

"Kathryn, what are you doing here then?" Chakotay asked in hushed tones as if the effort to speak was more then he was able to bear.

"You." Kathryn replied simply.

Chakotay's eyes narrowed as he processed what Kathryn said. As her simple reply began to take form in his mind and heart, his eyes widened and he again looked directly into her eyes. He took a small step closer to her and reached out for both of her hands.

"Kathryn. I need you to say exactly what you are thinking. I need you to tell me. I can't keep guessing about your feelings and intentions. My heart can't take it! My mind will not shut off. I can't sleep; I can't even eat! What do you want? What exactly do you want?" Chakotay pleaded with Kathryn.

"Chakotay, you are my best friend. I have come to rely on you for so many things. I need you by my side to help me make decisions for this crew, but more importantly, I need you by my side to share my life and my love. You are what make me happy…you make me a better person, the person I want to be." Kathryn paused. She knew there was so much to say but she wanted to make this simple. She continued, "Basically what I'm trying to say is that, well…I love you, Chakotay! I can't bear the thought of you not being right next to me, day and night, for the rest of my life."

"Kathryn, I never thought I would ever hear those words from you. I can't tell you how happy I am right now." Chakotay said becoming more emotional with each passing minute.

Chakotay reached for Kathryn. They embraced each other for several minutes before Kathryn pulled away.

"What's wrong, Kathryn?" Chakotay desperately asked, his concern growing as he saw she had begun to cry.

"I just wish…" Kathryn couldn't continue.

"You wish what? What can I do?" He quickly replied; ready to do anything to keep this moment going. Kathryn didn't answer. She just stood there looking at him with tears in her eyes. Chakotay tried again, "What do you wish, Kathryn?"

"That you were real!" Kathryn spat out at Chakotay.

"I am real, I'm here standing in front of you! Touch me! I'm real, Kathryn. What we have between us is real." Chakotay moved closer to Kathryn, reaching for her hands to give her added reassurance.

"I wish…I wish that were true…Computer! End program!" Kathryn ordered, defeated and barely able to remain standing.

Kathryn didn't even have time to blink before Chakotay, his quarters and everything else disappeared leaving her standing in an empty holodeck. She couldn't hold in her emotions any longer, sinking to the floor with her head in her hands, Kathryn wept bitterly.

_Come on, Kathryn, get a hold of yourself. Stand up and get on with your life_. Kathryn's inner voice kept repeating to her over and over again. She managed to gather enough strength to stand. After wiping her eyes, she turned to head out of the holodeck. However, when Kathryn turned she realized she was not alone. Between her and the exit stood Chakotay; the real Chakotay. His expression revealed he had been standing there longer then she realized.

"Chakotay? What are you doing here?" Kathryn asked, unsure of how to proceed.

"I'm here looking for you." He replied simply, honestly.

"How long have you been standing there? What did you see?" She asked uneasily.

"Long enough." Was Chakotay's response, adding to Kathryn's anguish.

"I need to know, Chakotay! Please give me that. What exactly did you see and overhear?" It was Kathryn's turn to plead.

"I saw and heard the entire conversation between you and…me." Chakotay smiled at Kathryn. "There is something I need to know. Did you mean what you said?" He added.

Kathryn knew what she needed to say she knew this was going to be her one last shot at happiness. She knew she needed to act now, or forever live with the consequences.

"I meant every word of it, Chakotay. I love you and want to be with you and want to be happy with you for the rest of our lives." She could feel a weight being lifted off her shoulders. Kathryn felt as if she could finally breathe; truly breathe! That's when she saw what she had been longing to see for what seemed like her entire life. Chakotay stood a few feet away with his arms open wide, inviting Kathryn into his embrace; inviting her into his heart, his love, his life.

Unable to control herself, Kathryn ran the distance between them and hugged him tight. They stood there together holding each other, rocking side to side in each other's arms. Kathryn had never felt so at peace in her life. Chakotay had been dreaming of this day for years. As they eventually released each other from the embrace, Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and smiled.

"You know at some point in the future, what we have may become difficult. We have to find a way to tell the crew. We need to reassure them that they are still our priority." Kathryn said to Chakotay.

"You are absolutely right. It may become difficult from time to time. All relationships have ups and downs, good times and bad. There is nothing that we can't handle when we're together." Chakotay replied honestly. Then he asked, "You know what else will be a challenge?"

"What's that?" Kathryn asked with piqued interest.

"Getting to our duty shift on time tomorrow…if we make it at all!" Chakotay said with a dimpled smile and mischievous eyes. Chakotay grabbed Kathryn's hand and the two of them quickly walked out of the holodeck and headed directly to Chakotay's quarters to finish their discussion.


End file.
